Now let me give you some back story, I was sitting on a Bean bag watching Sky Sports News whilst enjoying a succulent McDonalds Bic Mac Sandwich which I had earlier purchased whilst shopping for ladies underwear and I almost chocked when I saw this Phillip Jones Signing for Manchester United (AKA the Red Socks to my soccer loving friends.) Why you say? I am glad you asked. Here is why.
5 years ago I get a call in the middle of the night, it was my friend Randolf and he is a soccer agent, he tells me he saw some fish playing football whilst he was on vacation at this beach, I said "hey Randolf, why don't you go fuck yourself you piece of shit no good son of a bitch, its 4am in the fucking morning and I got to go earn some beans in the factory in 2 fucking hours, have you been sniffing that go go powder again? Now fuck off" I hung up. When I awoke to go to the tampon sorting factory (my job was to sort the different sizes and shapes out, I was hoping to get a promotion into the Pearl division) I got a Beep on My mobile phone, it read:
Murph, I aint crazy I found a fish that has a footballing brain and I am bringing him to the UK, look he's a beaut ;-) pic attached
I thought Randolf was a crazy old fool with a giant fish but thank the lord Jesus himself that Randolf took the risk as I was not to expect what would occur that day, I was fired for gross misconduct, apparently it is not sanitary to eat raw, bloody , Rabbit meat whilst handling the tampons. I was furious, I had given them 32 years of my life and they just threw me away like an old towell. I would get my revenge, but thats another story.
I called Randolf to break the news to him, he had just arrived at the airport and was coming to pick me up. He arrived with this stinking fish that smelt like my priests blanket. We went to the park and he showed me what the fish could do, it was amazing.
"I've called him Phil" said Randolf "Phil the fish Jones"
"It has talent but how are we gonna exploit this, I think its too risky, lets open him up and use it to smuggle quail eggs into Cuba" Said I
"No, were not making the same mistake we made will the bear from the zoo, he died for nothing, I've already called a scientist pal of mine, he has made me a little something so we can pass him off as human" Replied Randolf
So we went to this guy and he developed the below for us:
It is a suit very similar to lord Krangs (below) where the fish sits on top of a robots body. We then bought a ton of Turkey sausages and mushed them together into a paste which resembled skin. Using old photos of Michael Bubbly to entertain us, we worked though the night sticking the paste onto the robot. We then used some horse hair to make him seem more human like. We also made use of the bags of teeth that I had been collecting through my years and gave "Phil" the winning smile you see today.
And for all the science geeks who ask me "well how does he breath then?" Deer, we have hooked up poweraid nto his gills so he not only breaths but at 110%!
After all this hard work, me and Randolf got some fake documents and got him into the system, we then sold him to Blackburn Rovers in exchange for £80,000 and erotic pictures of Big Sam fighting a donkey covered in honey nut loops.
If you look closely, you can see our work up close.
And for any doubters, I think you will find the below video is damming proof:
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